The Lies Flowers Tell Us

Magazines are illustrations of pretty myths that companies want us to believe are the norm, so that we’ll buy more expensive luxury items. The truth is what we see is only normal for the 1% of the population with high enough salaries to not worry about things like mortgages and the rising cost of public transportation. The first magazine myth that always bothered me was the idea that everyone should *splurge* on fresh flowers and have them around the house/apartment at all times. I can’t tell you in how many times I’ve read that same sentiment, flipping through the glossy photos of perfectly “antiqued” side tables holding gorgeous blooms that say the owner is romantic and chic and appreciates natural beauty despite their overwhelming collection of throw pillows. It’s the glamour of a hotel room, but in your own home. Lies! All lies! Unless you are willing to grow yourself a lovely flower garden in which to clip those beauties, most people don’t (and can’t) have those kinds of arrangements hanging around all the time.

It doesn’t help to watch shows like “The Barefoot Contessa” where teams of gay men descend on her home in the Hamptons to erect tablescapes, palm trees (for beach picnics of course) and sweeping floral arrangements for fresh seafood dinners. Now for the rest of us mere mortals who do not live in the Hamptons or have a gay pride parade’s worth of florists ready to satisfy our horticultural whims, there are some simple ways to put together beautiful arrangements for those special occasions.

So here’s my first suggestion. This one is for those special times when you have company coming or would like to give a nice floral arrangement as a gift. If you’re in a big city, your local bodega type shop sells bunches of flowers from $4 to $12. For those of you in the burbs and places elsewhere, you can grab bunches from the grocery store. (Trader Joes also has lovely flowers at an inexpensive price). There are two routes to take in making your arrangements look professional without much artistic talent: 1. All in the same color tone/family 2. Completely bright contrasting colors. No mixing of different pastels allowed here. And nearly anything can be a vase, from oversized glasses to old pasta jars and teapots. Always save nicely shaped jars and bottles. Wine bottles can make great bud vases, particularly when they are in a striking color (like those cobalt blue ones).

Trim down the flowers to the length that works for your vase of choice and start arranging. Don’t overthink it. If you’d like the flowers bunched tightly together, you can use a rubberband to hold the stems together or even a metal paperclip you undo and use as wire. The rubberband trick is great if you have all the same type of flower. A tightly bunched together group of flowers in a simple vase will come off as quite modern. Since I recently had some friends over for dinner I decided to splurge on some fresh flowers. En route home I stopped at a bodega and picked up a few bunches. I decided I wanted something unusual and they had these cabbage-esque flowers for $10 labeled as Brassica, (although I’m not convinced that’s what they were). I also picked up a small bunch of Statice for $4 and a bunch of unlabeled red berries for $5. My Grand total topped out at $19.00 and with tax $20.00. I could have easily stopped with just the Brassica and only one of the other kind which would have stopped my costs at $14 or $15.

I used a vase I had that I picked up long ago in the clearance section at Pottery Barn for just a couple dollars. They are a great place to visit right after a big holiday or end of season. You can pick up lots of little decorating items for next to nothing. I’ve gotten things like candle holders for less than a dollar there.

Here’s how my arrangement turned out.

I didn’t use any sort of floral foam or other fussy business. Just the purchased flowers and vase. This same arrangement would work well in a large clear jar or any other clear or white container you might have. If you choose a mixed assortment of flowers from the grocery, use some bud vases, wine bottles or tall glasses and make several arrangements grouping the flowers into either the same color/tone or the contrast. A row of three small arrangements grouped down the table will look unique and fresh.

For a regular run of the mill day when you don’t want to spend even $15 bucks on flowers, opt for the kind that keep on giving—flowering plants. Take a stop in the garden section of your grocery store. There is always some small flowering plant on sale in the $4.99 – $6.99 range. When you bring it home tuck it into a basket or whatever pretty container you have. Whitewashed baskets and terracotta pots give it a great look—if it’s a small plant tucking it into a teapot can give it a whimsical Alice in Wonderland feel. For a plant that’s lovely and practical, get a rosemary tree. It will give off a clean scent and you can snip branches for cooking.

The last and most practical suggestion is to skip flowers and move onto fruits. Simple glass cylinders filled with all the same fruit or veggie can be a very striking visual and they are useful to boot. Green granny smith apples, cheerful lemons or even tomatoes can be elevated by moving them from a basket to a large cylindrical type vase. For the holidays you can often get scraps of pine trees from the live tree lots for either nothing or next to nothing and would work great in various arrangements.

With a couple dollars and a little creativity you can have an arrangement any gay florist from the Hamptons would envy.